Scared means the enemy is at work

Moving towards a reconciliation is going well. We are at a good place, a place I never thought we would be now. BUT, this is when the enemy starts his assault. I will not allow his negative thoughts to interfere. Last weekend my husband actually came to meet my son and me out of town. This was a new event in these last 20 months. Prior to this he would have excuses and never show up. He also left town to go visit his parents this week...another first in this journey. He also called me the entire time he was gone...another first. Then yesterday he called and we went to breakfast and he returned to the house to wash cars and visit for a while. No agenda. He kissed and hugged me. It was last night that the enemy started his assault. I will not allow this to derail me from my walk with God. I will not allow this to derail a possible reconciliation. I have believed all along--although sometimes not nearly as strongly as I should have--that we would reconcile. Now I realize that we still have work to do. I am not deluding myself into thinking we are beyond the hard work. Last night I told him I was scared and he told me he was scared too. We are experiencing similar feelings. I still believe God's promise to me of reconciliation. I will continue to keep my focus on HIM and His word. Thanks be to God!

Returning to believing in God's promises

The last few weeks have been wonderful and confusing in terms of my relationship with my husband. I was convinced that God was opening doors to lead me to divorce him, then all of a sudden the doors were closed. I was confused and bewildered. Richard contacted me and we had a long conversation. He began to call me and make an effort. I am very weary and leary. I even told him that if he wanted me because Lesia doesn't want him anymore then he was not pursuing me for the right reason and this should end. He said that was not the case. I am struggling to believe him. More effort on his part...more struggle on my part. His efforts are small, baby steps...my struggle feels greater than it probably is. Then today, I see this Joyce Meyer post... "You can't have real love unless you’re willing to forgive. Love keeps giving the other person another chance, and it keeps trusting them over and over again, expecting them to do the right thing the next time." I guess this is God saying keep on with the chances. My promise to you that December afternoon was reconciliation. There was a time when you quit believing that, not completely, but close to it. You have returned to your spiritual base and that has made you stronger. Continue to believe.

Still in the time between seed and harvest

It's been 22 months since the relationship between my husband and me began to unravel. During this time I have prayed and listened for God to speak to me. Sometimes folks thought I was slightly crazy for giving Richard so many chances to make things right, but I knew I was following what God was asking me to do. I needed to make every effort to give him the opportunity to stop his relationship with Lesia and turn his life over to God. It now looks as though he would be close to taking that step but something would pull him back. Can't say what that something was, but it was definitely there. He would stroll down our memory lane and have me believing in a reconciliation, but once he was back at his apartment and closer to her, he just couldn't sustain those feelings. What makes me angry in all this is that he makes very little effort to stay in touch with his sons. So unfortunate because it is Richard that is losing out. It appears he has connected himself to Lesia's children and disconnected himself from his own sons. One of these days I believe he will look back on this and be filled with regret. That however is not something over which I have any control. I have planted the seeds of change and it is not time for harvest, at least in Richard. It is time for my own harvest. I truly feel God is telling me it is time. To that end, I believe it is time to file for divorce and end this marriage. Heartbreaking, sad, heartbreaking, and honestly, overwhelming in terms of learning how to deal with so many things on my own. But, I have God--the best support I could ever have--as well as my family and friends. They have been here for me during all these trials and I thank God every day for that. My future has so much promise and I intend to live each day to the fullest, thanking God for all the many blessings He has given me.

Listening to God's still voice

So, after learning of what I considered to be the ultimate betrayal--a vacation trip with a woman and her children--I contacted an attorney and had divorce papers drawn up. I don't think my husband believed I would do that, but then I NEVER thought he would cheat on me in this way and turn away from our marriage. He seemed angry, shocked, poopy-acting and defeated when I told him. When he was texting me about this trip, after I asked him point blank, he seemed flip. Guess he thought I would continue to allow this behavior. Even though I had spoken of my requirements for a reconciliation. My contacting an attorney and talking with him about specifics of a divorce settlement must have shown him that I do have a limit and it had been reached. He is now wanting to reconcile. He has made a couple of decisions that indicate he is beginning to move in that direction. Do I trust this? Not really sure I do. Do I really want the reconciliation? I love him and I believe we are meant to be together, but I am so very scared that he will betray me again. I just don't know if my heart can take another hit like the ones I have endured for the past 22 months. But, I hear God telling me to take this chance. I know I heard God tell me to contact the attorney and move forward with divorce, so why would my Lord now be telling me to be still and see where this reconciliation attempt is heading. God, I love you so much, but I feel so confused. I know if I will immerse myself in your word, I will find my answer and peace. I will continue to keep my focus on Jesus.

First adventure alone--a Success!!!

So I completed my trip to DC. I was so proud of myself. I drove to just inside VA and stopped for the night on the way up. Found a good, safe hotel and spent the night. Got to DC in time to take my son's girlfriend to the airport to pick up her sister. What a grand time we had!!! That weekend was my son's birthday so we went to a beer, bourbon and BBQ festival on Friday night. That was a blast! I cannot tell you how much fun I had and how wonderful it was that these three young adults seemed to enjoy hanging out with me. The girls and I spent a day shopping and poking around thrift stores in the DC area. We did many touristy things while we were there, but on Sunday, we went and I got the cartilage in my ear pierced. I had wanted to do that for a while, but never got my nerve up. I am loving the piercing! The drive home--made it all in one day. Wow-----a loooong time in the car but I did it and was so glad to sleep in my bed that night.

School is out and I am ready for an adventure this summer. I have never taken an overnight, out-of-state trip by myself. My husband has always accompanied me and before we were separated he wouldn't have allowed me to do this. I am a little apprehensive, but I will be careful and let folks know where I am along the way. What I know most of all is that God will be with me every step of the way, every mile. He will show me what He wants me to learn during this adventure and I will return richer for it! I had said to a friend that if something happened to me I knew where I was going and wasn't scared. She said I hadn't fulfilled God's destiny for me yet. I agree...there are so many more things God has planned for me. That I can feel. Each moment I realize that God has so many wonderful, awesome things planned for me, I feel such excitement and glee. I know the enemy will continue to fight me, but my Lord and I will press on, together, through the storms.

About two weeks ago God lead me to have a discussion with my husband about things I can accept and things I cannot. I was scared to have this discussion with him because the enemy kept placing in my mind that stating my needs and my limits would force my husband to choose to stay away. But, God knew differently. He knew that if I didn't state my needs and limits that a reconciliation not keep me true to myself. Is a reconciliation coming? I don't know, but I feel such peace now thanks to the love of my Lord. I love what Joyce Meyer says, "I may not be where I need to be but thank God I'm not where I used to be and I will enjoy me right here in the middle."